


Love Is

by WolfstarGarden



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feels, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, Happy Ending, Happy Sex, Hurt Remus Lupin, James Potter is a Good Friend, Jealousy, M/M, Pining Sirius Black, Regret, Rough Sex, Smut, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-25 12:34:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13834380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfstarGarden/pseuds/WolfstarGarden
Summary: When Sirius Black ran away from home in the middle of the night and flew to James Potter’s house on an illegal motorcycle he had been excited knowing that he would also find Remus Lupin staying at the Potter’s.Now ... he just felt sick.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah. My bad mood = suffering Sirius. Enjoy the angst.
> 
> There will be a second part.

**Part 1**

When Sirius Black ran away from home in the middle of the night and flew to James Potter’s house on an illegal motorcycle, he _was_ expecting to find Remus Lupin also staying there.

When he landed the motorcycle on the lawn and shinned up the crawling ivy to reach the bedroom window, he did _not_ expect to surprise James and Remus in bed together.

l-l

The Potter home was Sirius’ haven. James’ parents always greeted him with an unconditional emotional embrace, constant warmth and support. Leaving his family home for that was a relief – and despite the unexpectedly acute pain Sirius felt in leaving, he had recognised immediately that it was the right decision.

He had been excited knowing that he would also find Remus at the Potter’s.

Now ... he just felt sick

Everyone naturally believed it was the stress of family that had Sirius so surly and reserved. He couldn’t blame them – it wasn’t like he was about to admit that he’d seen his two closest mates shagging.

There had been absolutely no way to mistake it. Sirius had shimmied back down to the garden, sitting in a shocked stupor for over an hour before shaking himself out of the grass and thumping on the Potter’s front door.

James had answered, wand in hand and dressed in a pair of undone denim shorts. His keen, imposing eyes softened in astonishment. “Padfoot?”

Sirius had not known where to look. Did James have sex-hair – or was that his usual level of tousle? Was he flushed or just surprised? Were his lips simply dry or had Remus’ stubble scratched them up? _Why_ did he have to be shirtless?

Sirius found looking at his boots was the safest option. He cleared his throat and mumbled, “Hey Prongs. Can I come in?”

The Potter’s had been roused by his knocking; they came down the stairs with Remus, who looked to be wearing very little under the robe he’d thrown across his scarred shoulders.

Sirius couldn’t look at him either.

After a cursory explanation Sirius was ushered into a plush guest room on the first floor. He saw James beckon Remus down the hall as they all said goodnight.

Sirius slept very little that night.

l-l

Sirius felt wretched – though he didn’t stop for a minute to think about _why_ he was upset.

James and Remus appeared to be hiding their relationship for his benefit. They behaved just as they did at school – mischief and banter and definitely nothing overtly romantic. But the image of them together was burned behind Sirius’ eyes.

He was appalled at himself for having lingered at the window far longer than he should have.

But Sirius had been captivated by seeing Remus sprawled across James’ bed, hands curled around the iron frame; all warm, silky skin and angry scars. James was perched between his knees, his hand creeping a teasing path down one firm thigh.

Sirius snapped his horrified eyes away from James – but he simply hadn’t been _able_ to look away from Remus. Something twisted hard and cold in his belly as he gazed at Remus’ grin, the wave of laughter shaking his chest.

They were talking, words muffled by the window. James’ eyebrows twitched in that playful challenge Sirius knew so well and then his hands reached around Remus’ knee, tickling him. The two of them looked just as they normally did –mates just mucking about. Except that they were mucking about _naked_.

Remus curved away from James’ grip, shoving a foot into his chest – then roared with obvious hilarity as James promptly tumbled off the bed.

Remus sat up, scuttling across the mattress ... then James’ laughing face reappeared, chin propped on Remus’ knee, eyes glittering happily. Remus smiled and shook his head indulgently ... and then they shifted, James wriggling between Remus’ legs...

Sirius had finally looked away.

l-l

“You doing okay, Pads?” James asked.

“Sure,” Sirius said. He still couldn’t quite meet James’ eyes.

Over the past two days there had been a lot of attempts to talk and dissect Sirius’ situation with his family. Part of it was necessary and therapeutic – part of it was overwhelming and emotional. Sirius managed it all with a tight smile and aloof voice.

He had been completely floored by Fleamont Potter’s offer of an indefinite home, Euphemia wrapping him in a tight hug as he stammered a grateful acceptance. “You are the second child we couldn’t have, Sirius.”

James’ parents kept up a steady stream of love as Sirius settled in. James and Remus tried to do the same, but being in a room with them both made Sirius’ blood boil. Being around Remus in particular forced an overwhelming surge of conflicting emotions through him, twinging hard and dark deep in his belly.

Worse, Sirius knew that it showed; he’d never been any good at hiding his feelings.

In the end, Remus approached him. “Hey ... Padfoot?”

Startled, Sirius looked around. Remus stood in his bedroom doorway, looking uncharacteristically nervous. A flush crept up Sirius’ throat as he forced himself to meet Remus’ eyes.

Remus’ hand twitched. Sirius knew that gesture – it was Remus wanting physical comfort but not daring to initiate it. The heat in Sirius’ neck swashed through the rest of him – in that moment all he wanted was to curl into Remus’ arms, to draw some of that steady warmth into his own fractured soul.

Sirius couldn’t do that. It would be too weird now.

On an uncertain exhale, Remus said, “I want you to know, Pads ... anything you need, just ask me. I want to help if I can.”

Sirius’ chest was painfully tight. “Thanks Moony,” he muttered. Remus was gone before he could think of anything else to say.

Staring sightlessly at the empty doorway Sirius wished he were less bothered by what was going on between his mates.

He had a typically stupid idea.

l-l

Remus and James murmured in mischievous, conspiratorial whispers.

Not quite managing to force his irritation down, Sirius snapped, “What’s the joke?”

James looked around, beaming, and Remus’ face fell into a perfectly blank expression. “No joke, Padfoot. You know Moony is not funny.”

Remus nodded evenly. “It is a sad and irremediable flaw in my otherwise charming personality.”

Sirius smiled. Then his insides gave a hideous twist as James leaned in and kissed Remus’ cheek, laughing. “We love you anyway, Moony!”

Sirius excused himself early and crept into James’ room. Quickly, he rifled around – ah. There it was.

Sliding the two-way mirror beneath James’ bed, Sirius slunk off to his room and waited. Finally he heard voices in the hall, filtering away as Remus followed James.

Sirius’ stomach lurched and for a long moment he was sure he was going to vomit. Finally the rush of nausea passed and Sirius lifted his mirror, whispering, “James Potter.”

Immediately, two quiet voices echoed at him through the glass.

“... seems like something else is going on.”

“You’ve noticed it too then?” James’ sounded unusually sober. “I don’t know quite what it is ... he’s especially edgy with you.”

There was a short silence. “So I’m not imagining it, then?”

James sighed. “Definitely not. I didn’t expect him to act like this with _us_ – I’m kinda worried.”

“Me too.” Remus’ tone was indecipherable.

Sirius shifted slightly. He was honestly touched by their concern – but it was damned confusing pillow talk.

“Hey.” James sounded sharp, concerned. “You okay?”

“Mm,” Remus murmured, not sounding it at all. “Yeah...”

An odd gleam appeared in James’ tone. “Wanna take your mind off it?”

“D’you want to?”

A sudden rustle; Sirius’ gut twisted as he wondered what they were doing. He should close the mirror off; he knew already where this was heading – but he was baffled by the lack of ardour. Everything just felt slightly _off_.

“I reckon it would do us both a bit of good.”

“A cathartic wank?” Remus teased. Sirius could just picture the expression on Remus’ face.

“Or more. If you like.”

“Oh, is that so?”

Movement again, louder – were they kissing? Getting undressed? The silence was fractured unexpectedly by Remus’ soft laughter. “Uhh ... bugger off, James!”

“Oh, but Moony ... you like it!” They were both laughing.

Sirius should definitely end the connection.

“For fuck’s sake, Prongs!”

“Oops,” James murmured, not sounding repentant at all. A pause. “Up for it ... or no?”

Remus drew a shaky breath. Panic thrummed through Sirius’ chest, restricting his throat – where were James’ hands?

“What the fuck are you doing to him?” Sirius whispered, pressing a pale hand against his mouth.

“Go on then.”

“Go on _what_?” Sirius spluttered, fighting to keep quiet. Every drop of blood in his body was pounding against his eardrums.

There was a sudden flurry of sound – the muffled flump of tossed-aside clothing, the mattress creaking, a subtle “ _oh_ ” that was definitely Remus, a wave of soft laughter.

And then a sudden groan: “Godric’s grave, Moony! _Fuck_.”

Sirius could hear Remus’ sly grin. “You deserve it.”

A fresh swell of nausea coursed through him. Sirius most certainly did not want to listen to James getting off. He was about to blank the link ... and then Remus _whimpered_. The sound shivered and echoed through the mirror, vibrating straight into Sirius’ cock.

He froze, desire spiking hard and needy in his groin, pulsing delightfully when Remus sighed again. Another devious laugh – and then Remus groaned; the bedsprings strained as a body fell back with a heavy thump. “Merlin’s arse...”

“Yours actually,” James teased.

A rush of red heat flooded Sirius’ brain. Words ground from the base of his throat. “Get your hands off him.” He was clutching the mirror so hard it shook.

“ _Fuck_...” Remus hissed.

A tiny sound slipped through Sirius’ lips, surprising him. Oh, but – if only James would stay quiet then Sirius could listen to Remus as he got off...

Sirius threw the mirror down in shock. His voice was the barest whisper. “What the hell am I thinking ... this is _Moony_!”

“Just get on with it Prongs,” Remus gasped and swore, dragging Sirius’ attention back.

“Alright! Just ... relax, would you?”

It didn’t sound especially romantic – but Sirius had little to base that on. Most of his sexual exploits involved a lot of struggling to breathe and only a few muttered niceties. Remus and James, except for random puffs of pleasure, sounded just as they did during prank planning.

There was a sudden thump. “Moony, you tosser!”

An almost _seductive_ murmur: “Mhm, you too Prongs... _gah_!”

“Yeah I thought that would shut you up.”

Sirius swallowed. “Blank,” he said and the voices died.

He flung himself back against the bed and tried desperately not to think about whatever it was that James and Remus were doing to each other.

l-l

“Pads ... look, I know you’re generally a bit of an arse and things are totally shit for you right now ... but I can tell there’s something else going on. Fancy telling me what it is?”

Sirius scowled into James’ stupid, well-meaning face. “No.”

His glare was reflected with interest. “Well, fine. Just don’t take your bad mood out on Moony – he doesn’t deserve it and you _know_ that he’ll take it to heart. So either lash out at me or stop being a dick.”

James had reason enough to tell him off; Sirius knew that he’d been acting like a twat – mercurial and rude and jealous. “Fuck off, Prongs,” he grumbled.

James shrugged. “Fine. Just lay off Moony. We only want to support you. That’s all any of us want.”

But Sirius couldn’t fight down his irrational anger. Instead, he spent long hours alone, bright fury washing over him, stabbing him from every side. It wasn’t Sirius’ way to untangle and process his feelings; his anger was constant and directionless.

By the next evening he was feeling positively toxic. On sheer impulse Sirius stampeded down the hallway to James’ room and pounded on the door.

James swung the door open, face creasing in surprise. “Oh, Padfoot _–_ are you okay? Did you want to talk?”

“Is Moony with you?” Sirius asked.

James gestured with a flick of the chin. “In the shower. Come in.”

Sirius sauntered into the room and sank into the desk chair. James’ brow flickered as he sat on the bed and waited for Sirius to speak.

He should have actually thought through something to say. Instead, words blubbed unchecked from his frustrated lips. “Why didn’t you tell me about you and Remus?”

James frowned, lips parting in startled confusion. “Me and Remus what?”

“Don’t play stupid with me Prongs!” Sirius cried. “I know you’re a thing!”

James’ hazel eyes glinted in astonishment. Deliberately, he drew a deep breath, calm in the face of Sirius’ ire. “What thing?”

“ _A_ thing,” Sirius growled, glaring thunderously at James.

Expression clearing in realisation, James’ mouth gave an amused twist. “You think we’re boyfriends?” he asked.

Sirius scowled, infuriated. “Don’t fuck with me, Prongs. _I saw you_.”

James looked blank. “You saw us,” he deadpanned. “Saw us ... what?”

Sirius loosed his burning breath. “The night I got here, I saw your light on. So I climbed up here – and I _saw_ you. You and Remus. In bed. Naked.”

Instead of becoming flustered or embarrassed or sheepish – any of which would have been acceptable, Sirius felt – James seemed even more amused. “Padfoot, you’re adorable. Yeah, Remus and I get off sometimes. But we aren’t a couple.”

Hearing James say it, just like that, _hurt_ so much more than it should have. A shard of ice pierced Sirius’ body. “What the fuck does that mean?”

James shrugged. “We’re mates, Pads.”

“But ... you’re fucking each other!”

“Yeah,” James agreed, looking nonplussed. “And?”

A stunned pause, and then Sirius gave what he hoped was a dismissive twitch. His heart was beating so fast that it ached.

With a curious frown, James leaned in close. “Pads ... why does it bother you? It’s a once in a while, totally non-weird thing that just ... happened organically between us.”

“This is _not_ something mates do, James!”

James’ voice was suddenly brisk. “Well, I’m afraid in this case it is. We aren’t hurting anyone ... or at least we weren’t. Something you wanna fucking tell me, Padfoot?”

Sirius glanced up darkly – he did not like the astute gleam in James’ eyes. Jumping abruptly to his feet Sirius marched towards the door. There was no way was he going to admit this to _James_ of all people.

 James grabbed his shoulder. “Hey – Moony’ll be gone tomorrow Pads. Don’t hassle him about this, okay?”

Shaking James off, Sirius left the room in a huff of clumping boots and bad mood.

l-l

Sirius couldn’t let it rest. After five minutes of impotent rage he stopped pacing and leaned against the wall outside Remus’ room, determined to wait.

Remus appeared shortly after, dressed in long pyjamas despite the warm weather, a towel slung over one shoulder. Frowning with mild curiosity, Remus asked, “Okay there Pads?”

“Fine,” Sirius grunted.

 “You sure..?”

Sirius flicked an irate shoulder, glaring at Remus through the fall of his hair.

Surveying each other for a long moment, Remus finally waved Sirius into his room. They sat on the end of the bed, Remus folding his legs up neatly. Patiently, he said, “What is it, Padfoot?”

Sirius tried to see past Remus’ perfectly mild mask, to find the secrets hidden beneath. With an angry sigh, he finally dropped his gaze blindly to his fingernails. “Prongs told me not to trouble you.”

“You’re no trouble Pads. If you need to talk to me, do go ahead.”

Sirius tried – he really _tried_ – to keep his mouth shut. But Remus was so trusting, so utterly open and willing to talk to him ... and Sirius was so completely overwhelmed. The words slid out before he really understood what he was saying. “Why Prongs?”

Remus blinked, taken aback. “Why Prongs what?”

“Why are you screwing Prongs? Why _Prongs_?” Sirius failed to keep the bitterness from his tone.

Something flashed across Remus’ face faster than Sirius could read, then his expression settled again into expert mildness. “I was not aware you knew. More to the point, I don’t see how that’s your concern.”

The dismissive evasiveness triggered a tidal wave of fury; Sirius’ temper boiled over violently. “What about us being mates? Seems a fucking decent enough reason to me! Or are we not fucking friends anymore, is that it?”

Remus coiled inwards, defensively. “Sirius, not every aspect of our lives needs to be shared.”

“But you’ll share _yourself_ with James?” Sirius barked a deliberate challenge. “Are you better friends with him than me, is that it?”

Pure, incredulous disbelief filled Remus’ eyes. “Are you four years old? Look Sirius, who I do or do not have sex with is genuinely none of your business.”

“What if I want to make it my business?” Sirius wrapped furious fingers around Remus’ knee, feeling him quiver and ignoring it. Remus _should understand_. This was _important_.

Remus looked from Sirius’ bruising grip back up to his thunderous face. His voice was remarkably controlled. “What are you talking about Sirius?”

“If it doesn’t mean anything ... then why don’t you take a run at me? What’s the difference?” Sirius canted towards him intrusively.

Remus jerked back, but instead of dragging Sirius to his senses the reaction only aggravated him more. His calm finally starting to sputter, Remus said, “It is different. It’s different because you and I are different. Just like you and Prongs are different. It’s just how friendships are!”

Remus was right of course, Remus was almost always right – but Sirius needed to make him _see_. He was burning alive with the intensity of everything he felt. Grabbing Remus’ shoulder with his free hand, Sirius skittered closer. His voice was a shadowy grumble. “I disagree.”

Remus tried to shake him off, eyes uncomfortably bright. Sirius gripped him even tighter – it was essential that Remus _understood_.

It was hard, almost brutal. Sirius’ hand curled around Remus’ neck and hauled him in, pushing their mouths together with artless force.

With a bruising grip Sirius pushed into Remus, all teeth and hands and bones in an awkward, angry press. It was far too long a time before he realised that Remus had frozen against him like ice, frigid and distasteful.

He snapped away from Remus as a stab of panicked self-loathing pulsed through him; Remus was shivering and pale with horror. His words shimmered into the heavy air between them, a broken wheeze. “Wh-what are you doing?”

Sirius didn’t know how to answer that. Something hot and hard and _heady_ was happening too fast for him to process. He knew he ought to leave, go back to his own room ... but Remus was _here_ and staring at him, so Sirius hauled Remus against him again, kissing him hard, too hard.

Remus shoved him back angrily. “Sirius! What is this?”

Pushing forwards, Sirius huffed against Remus’ cheek, “If you can do it with Prongs, then why not with me?”

“What?” Remus was astonished. Sirius dimly registered a note of alarm, of vulnerability, in his voice.

“Why _not_ , Moony?” he growled, “It’s just friends, right?”

Remus’ palm pressed forcibly into Sirius’ chest. His breath rattled through the tight channel of his throat. “Fuck, Pads ... I told you. Oh, Merlin...”

There was a moment, an infinitesimal moment, where Sirius could have backed away. He could have waited until he was calm and then talk to Remus again, properly. He missed that moment.

Instead, Sirius rubbed a hand slowly down Remus’ back, pressing an idle kiss to the soft skin behind his jaw. “Please?” he whispered, not recognising his own voice.

“Jesus-Merlin- _fuck_ Pads... I... You sure?”

Sirius nodded his cheek against Remus’ stubble and felt his resistance snap, sudden, completely. He grabbed Sirius forcefully, turning their faces together, their mouths coming together hungrily. Oh, but it wasn’t enough, not _nearly_ enough.

Without stopping to think, Sirius shoved Remus backwards, tugging rapidly at the hem of his pyjama top. Together they stripped it away.

Sirius bowed his head, lips tracking over naked skin, brushing against twisted scars. Remus gasped and shivered; it made Sirius hard.

Slipping a hand between his legs, Sirius rubbed his erection with a frustrated palm. “ _Fuck_.”

Remus keened in agreement, arching against him. His fingers were deliciously tight on Sirius’ biceps.

Sliding his mouth against Remus’ skin, tasting him, Sirius slowly slid down the bed. His fingers curled into the band of Remus’ pyjama bottoms. He yanked them down.

Remus was _hard_.

Pure lust rocketed to Sirius’ brain, blocking everything out. He settled between Remus’ knees, grasping his cock in a firm fist, giving it a few experimental strokes. Remus groaned, a long, aching sound that zapped blinding electricity down the length of Sirius’ spine and into his penis.

Sirius moaned, aching with need. He stretched his tongue along the length of Remus’ cock, striping across the head slowly, savouring Remus’ taste as spots of pre-come danced across his tastebuds.

Remus made the most delightful noises, jerking sporadically into the bed.

Dragging himself back, Sirius swept his eyes along Remus’ nakedness, desperate for all of it.

Remus’ hands scrabbled futilely in the empty space around Sirius’ head, blindly reaching for him. There was a renewed scrap of resistance, words tumbling over his tongue. “Sirius ... fuck – this ... we aren’t supposed to...”

Anger bubbled back to the forefront of Sirius’ mind and he pinched Remus’ hip with a sharp squeeze. “But it’s okay for you and Ja-” He couldn’t say it, couldn’t say _James_ , not at the moment.

Sirius was sure that Remus tried to slap him. Well, he was being driven by the pressure of his own temper; disgruntlement didn’t matter.

Sirius bent down again and swirled his tongue around the head of Remus’ cock before sliding his mouth, hot and tight, along his length. Remus surged into his touch; feeling encouraged, Sirius slipped his hand between Remus’ legs, fingertips brushing lightly against soft skin until ... ah. _There_. Remus made a garbled choking sound and twinged, drawing away from him. “Pads...”

Sirius didn’t want to stop; he’d been waiting for this, _craving_ it. Reluctantly, he pulled away. “What?” he asked, voice brittle.

“I ... I just...”

“You don’t want to,” Sirius snapped both angry and flustered. Desperate frustration washed through his veins. All he wanted was to dive forwards and devour Remus, to take everything he could, to _fuck_ him.

Remus’ hips rocked, gently and aimless. “Oh fuck, Sirius I ... yes, but.”

“But _what_?” Sirius barked.

“This isn’t ... is it the right-?”

Their eyes locked, Remus’ reflecting a swarm of indistinct emotions. Sirius was livid. “Merlin’s beard, Moony – _yes_! You said yourself that friends do it, remember?”

This wasn’t the right way to go about it, Sirius knew – he was too angry, too confused by how badly he needed this to happen, how desperate he was for it. He _needed_ Remus to _say yes_.

“Well?!”

Remus waivered and then his hand moved, fingers brushing against Sirius’ for the most fleeting of moments. The final scrap of hesitation faded under a guttural breath and Remus stammered, “Oh fuck ... okay.”

It wasn’t the roaring approval Sirius would have hoped for, and there was none the light-hearted ease he’d seen between Remus and James ... but it was enough. Sirius mumbled a wandless spell and a sudden slide of moisture appeared under his fingertips. He stroked and wriggled a finger past the ring of resistive muscle. Remus winced and sucked an unsteady breath, but Sirius barely noticed it; despite the rush of urgent need – or perhaps because of it – Remus was squirming against his hand in a needy swivel.

Sirius rushed another finger into him, twisting them; Remus yelped as a fingertip skimmed his prostate.

Sirius groaned, reaching to give his own cock a needy pump before clambering up from the floor and positioning himself between Remus’ legs. He rubbed his erection quickly through the lube then pressed hard and direct against Remus, pushing inside him.

Remus puffed hard breaths through his nose, body rolling hungrily beneath Sirius. Pressing a hand hard against Remus’ pelvis, Sirius held him still and drove forwards hard, almost careless. Remus flinched, his teeth sinking into his tongue as Sirius hastily thrust into him.

Being inside Remus felt so _good_ , so completely _right_ ... Sirius groaned, staring at Remus through a haze of lust. Remus flexed beneath him, legs hooking around Sirius’ waist. His hands skittered about frantically, one finally slamming against the headboard as the other slid between them, Remus tugging his erection in perfect time to the shove of Sirius’ hips.

There was no fun or friendliness – somewhere far in the back of his mind Sirius was bothered by that. This was not the time for contemplation though – not when Remus’ golden skin was rippling with each ragged breath, not when their bodies were pounding so wonderfully together. Sirius craned forward awkwardly and brushed his lips to Remus’ shoulder.

“ _Ah_...” A tiny but aching sigh and moments later Remus came, arching against Sirius in sharp, jerking movements. His face was contorted in some deep, blissful release, lips parted in a silent cry.

Watching Remus shatter apart in orgasm, the convulsion of his body, drove Sirius to a sudden climax; he came hard, throat tearing a hoarse, strangled cry. Remus whimpered, his trembling hand gripping Sirius arm as he jerked erratically through the last throbs of orgasm. Sirius collapsed against Remus’ chest.

Only a layer of sweat separated them. Sirius’ temper had finally burnt itself out and he smiled softly, tracking tentative fingers down the centre of Remus’ chest. This was rather wonderful, their spent bodies resting together in warm afterglow.

But Remus felt acutely different, his body rigid and far more distant than Sirius had ever known him. “... Moony?”

Remus dragged himself free and snatched up his wand. He cast a quick but thorough cleansing charm over himself before tugging his pyjama bottoms back into place. Hiding his face in one hand Remus hunched away from Sirius.

A dreadful, frantic terror swarmed in his chest. Slowly, Sirius reached out again, gently touching Remus’ back, hoping to soothe him. But Remus jerked abruptly to his feet, staggering awkwardly to the corner of the room. Sirius recoiled – whatever was happening right now was bad – and it was his fault.

The utter dullness of Remus’ voice shook him. “You need to leave.”

Sirius stumbled to his feet, pulling his own pyjamas straight. Remus didn’t appear to notice. Sirius took a step towards him. “Moony...”

“ _Get out!_ ” Remus roared.

Sirius had never heard Remus so hostile – to have it directed at him... Soothing words died on his lips, the taut pull of Remus’ shoulders crushing the last of his courage. Sirius lurched from the room and tried not to slam his door as he dived into the safety of his own room.

Burrowing face first into the bedcovers, Sirius mumbled, “What the fuck did I just do?”

l-l

Remus wouldn’t look at him the next morning.

He smiled politely at the Potters and shared some light banter with James, tempered by a mask of superb emotional control.

Sirius knew that James could see it.

As they said goodbye James pulled Remus into a tight hug, murmuring long words into his curls. “Take it easy, Moony, okay? I’ll be thinking of you.” James fixed him with a look of deep concern as they stepped apart.

Sirius licked his lips, envy and regret warring inside him as he watched Remus say a warm farewell to James’ parents, offering them each a hug in turn. Sirius’ chest gave a painful throb as he realised he hadn’t even hugged Remus once the previous night... He received only a cursory goodbye before Remus disappeared into the Floo fire.

James rounded on him and jerked an angry thumb towards the stairs. Sirius stalked behind him, knowing he was about to get a rather stern lecture. He probably deserved it.

 “Sit!” James snapped when they reached the study. Sirius did, glaring defiantly at James through his un-brushed hair. “The fuck did you do last night? I _told you_ not to fuck with Moony!” James snapped sourly, pacing the room with footfalls as dense as thunderclaps.

Sirius’ mouth was drier than parchment, but he’d never been able to stay insolent with James. His voice was almost shamefully tremulous. “Ehm ... well ... that’s basically what happened...”

James whirled on him, aghast. “You what? You _what_?”

Sirius swung his jaw a few times, stalling. He mumbled, “I, uh ... fucked Moony.”

James reacted so violently that Sirius cowered in his chair, convinced James was about to take a swing at him. He blinked up at James’ blinding rage with fresh nerves twisting through his belly.

James tossed his head and growled, “ _You_ – I can’t _believe_ you, Sirius... I can’t believe you. Fuck, I can’t even _look_ at you right now.”

He stampeded from the room and Sirius curled down in his chair, face hidden in his knees.

l-l

“You really have no idea what the fuck you’ve done, do you?” James asked the next day, once his temper was controllable again. He had Sirius cornered in his bedroom.

Sirius leaned against the uncomfortable iron bedstead. Distraught but genuinely baffled, he mumbled, “I don’t see how it’s any different to what you lot...”

“Of course you don’t,” James groused, tangling a hand in his hair. “You’re the biggest goddamn twat on the planet, Sirius. Like Moony needs your idiocy bringing him down at the full moon.”

“He – for fuck, Prongs! I wasn’t the only one involved, y’know!” Sirius squinted at James, annoyed. “D’you think I’m _pleased_ with myself right now?”

James forced a deep breath into his lungs. “Pads, I know, okay? But goddammit ... you’ve really screwed up this time. Moony’s freaking out.”

Sirius’ heart sank, heavy and cold. “Why?” he asked in a cracked wheeze.

“He’s asked me not to tell you.” James’ was blunt, his look very direct.

“But why?” Sirius dropped his eyes from James’ unforgiving gaze. “What’s wrong with me?”

 “What’s wrong with you is that you’re an arse Pads. Why would you even..?”

Sirius had been asking himself that very question. All the answers led to the same place: It was Remus. Specifically, it was about Remus being naked with someone who wasn’t _him_.

Sirius was terribly ashamed of himself. He couldn’t justify his actions even to himself, though he was _sure_ the passion had been mutual.

Sirius had acted with his typical indelicate thoughtlessness ... and he couldn’t stop picturing the hideous way Remus had reacted afterwards –shutting him out, withdrawing into old, habitual self-loathing.

Sirius had caused that. He had done that to his best friend.

No wonder Remus hated him. Sirius hated himself.

l-l

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I want this to be absolutely explicit - in case the smut scene between Remus and Sirius reads at all dub-con - IT IS NOT. It is 100% consensual in the heat of the moment and then regretted.
> 
> Part two will be along when I stop torturing Sirius. >:D


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smoothing things out with Remus is a little more complicated than Sirius would like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! The customary happy ending, with just a little more angst on the way. :)

**Part 2**

When Sirius stepped onto Platform 9 ¾ with James, ready to start the new school term, he did not expect to find Remus until he boarded the train.

When he settled into a compartment with James and Peter for the long trip to Hogwarts he did _not_ expect that Remus would never join them.

l-l

The Marauders finally met Remus at Gryffindor table before the welcome feast. He greeted Sirius curtly. Peter frowned briefly and apparently determined to ignore them. James sat and promptly pulled Remus into a bear-hug. “How’ve you been my good man?”

Sirius looked away, a surge of furious envy blurring his vision. Stupidly, he had unconsciously expected there might be a change between Remus and James. Of course there wasn’t. Remus drew strength from James’ touch – another full moon had been only days before. “Utterly splendid, don’t I look it?” Remus returned.

James and Peter grinned. Sirius glowered and was ignored.

“Why’d you not join us on the train, Moony?” Peter asked, beginning to serve them all.

“Was with the prefects,” Remus replied vaguely. He yawned and his jaw cracked like splintering glass. Sirius flinched.

He found himself distracted by Remus throughout the feast, fixated on the downcast eyes and tired skin. He barely registered James and Peter talking around him. Remus stood up before dessert was served. “Sorry lads, but I have to go lie down. Let me know if Dumbledore says anything important.”

“Can I walk with you?”

A moment too late, Sirius realised what he’d said. James looked furious. Remus threw him an irritated glance but merely shrugged. “If you must.”

Slightly heartened, Sirius clambered to his feet, pausing when James’ hand whipped around his wrist. “If you do anything stupid right now...”

Sirius shook himself from James’ grip, scowling. “Get off me Prongs.”

Remus hadn’t waited for him and Sirius caught him on the stairs. Remus was leaning heavily on the banister. “Hey, d’you need a hand..?”

“No m’fine, thank you.” Remus sounded brusque and distant and Sirius’ heart twisted. There was clearly no chance that they could pretend they’d never had sex, and simply be as they had always been.

They were silent until the fourth floor when Remus slipped violently on the steps. Sirius reached out instinctively to steady him. It was fine for a moment – then Remus righted himself and became iron beneath Sirius’ h ands.

“Stop touching me.”

Everything inside Sirius sank in hollow coldness. He ripped his hands away. “Sorry...”

Blood-striped eyes rolled towards him and Sirius felt like Remus’ stare was ransacking his soul. Seconds that felt like an eternity passed before Remus’ snapped his eyes away. “Sure.”

The past month of silence forced frustrated, angry words passed Sirius’ lips. “How long are you going to keep this up, Remus?”

Remus turned back towards him with a contemptuous sneer. “ _What_ , exactly?”

Sirius faltered, suddenly feeling smaller than he ever had in his life. “This ... the way you’ve been ... since.” With a somewhat lame gesture, he glanced away.

Remus began to walk up the stairs, weary voice carrying over his shoulder. “How would you have me act, Sirius?”

Sirius fell into step behind him, eyeing the tension stretching through Remus’ hunched shoulders. “Can’t we just act the same way we always have?”

Remus didn’t answer until they reached the landing. “I don’t think so.”

“Why the fuck not?!” Sirius’ hand coiled around Remus’ elbow and he stepped away violently, jerking his arm from Sirius’ grip.

“Dammit Moony!” Sirius snapped, confusion and anger bursting from him. “You’re fine with Prongs!”

Remus’ expression twisted, dark and furious. He spoke so poisonously that Sirius nearly toppled down the stairs

“I _told_ you,” Remus hissed. “It’s different because _we_ are different. If you can’t see _how_ then that’s not my problem – it’s yours. Now, I am going to bed Sirius. _Good night_.”

l-l

The forced closeness of being back at school did nothing to improve the rift between Sirius and Remus. Instead, every approach Sirius was made was smoothly rebuffed with polite distance and a perfectly neutral mask.

The first fortnight back felt like the longest of his life.

For the first time, Sirius noticed just how much time Remus and James spent together. It played angrily through his brain. He was left wondering if they had always been that way and he’d simply never noticed.

He also wondered if they were still screwing.

Entering the dorm one night, Sirius spotted them sitting together on James’ bed, laughing as they shared a bottle of firewhisky. James was topless, his Quidditch guernsey crumpled on the floor beside them. Remus’ shirt was half-open.

Sirius’ chest caved in; he couldn’t breathe.  “Urh ... sorry,” he muttered, fighting not to drown in the ice-water rushing through his veins. A dark impulse forced him backwards, stumbling out of the room.

An involuntary backwards glance showed that Remus had gone strangely rigid. James looked annoyed. “Padfoot, don’t be a twat!” he yelped as Sirius pushed the door shut.

Peter was on the stairs, heading for the dorm. Sirius shook his head. “Don’t go up there Pete.”

“Hey?” Peter blinked up at him through a fringe of mousy hair. “Something wrong?”

Sirius scowled darkly. “Prongs and Moony are in there.”

Peter raised his eyebrows questioningly. “And..?”

“Well ... they. Prong’s shirt was off and...”

“Oh, they’re getting it on are they? Thanks for the warning Pads.” Peter gave Sirius’ arm a friendly smack and turned back towards the common room.

“Wait – Wormtail!” Sirius thundered down the stairs to corner Peter. “You know? That they’re ... they. Thing?”

Peter’s plump face curved in an incredulous smirk. “Well, _yeah_. I mean, it’s not secret, is it?” his expression shifted suddenly. “You didn’t know?”

Sirius descended into a whirl of black shadow.

l-l

He spent most of the weekend moping in bed. Hiding within the dark embrace of the velvet drapes was somewhat soothing.

“Padfoot ... you okay?” James hadn’t used such a gentle tone with him in quite some time.

“’Course,” Sirius grunted in reply.

There was a minute pause before the bed hangings rustled open and James long, athletic body folded itself onto the bed beside him. “Talk to me Pads.” A comforting hand pressed against his back.

“No. Leave me alone, James.”

“Look ... I didn’t realise Moony would be quite like this with you still. I know it sucks, okay?”

“Gonna tell me it’s my fault, Prongs? ‘Cause I already know that,” Sirius snapped.

“No,” James replied evenly. “There’s no point going over all of that again. But I don’t like seeing you so upset.”

Sirius rolled morose eyes towards James, squinting through the gloom. “I’ll get over it,” he said, making a brave stab at flippancy.

James naturally saw straight through it. “I don’t know what to suggest. The only way for you and Moony to patch this shit up is to talk to each other. Which he still won’t do, huh?”

Sirius shook his head against the pillows.

James paused for a moment, shifting slightly against the mattress. He sighed, “Moony really can be a stubborn prat sometimes.”

Sirius stared at the canopy. “I suppose I can’t blame him for hating me. I was just ... well. You know.”

James’ hand closed on his knee. “He said he hates you?”

Sirius glanced over, discovering James frowning at him with astonished confusion lining his face. “Well ... no. He’s barely said anything to me at all, has he? Which is why I know it’s true.”

James shook his head. “He doesn’t hate you, Padfoot. I just ... fuck, I wish he’d talk to you.”

“So do I. Has – has he said anything to you about it?”

“I’m not getting involved beyond making sure you’re both okay... What will it take for you to be okay, Padfoot?”

Sirius muttered, “I just want things to go back as they were.”

There was a very pregnant pause. “Is ... is that all?”

Something hard jolted through Sirius’ chest. “What d’you mean, _all_? What more could there be?”

The expression on James’ face was unreadable. “That’s for you to determine. I’ll see you later Pads.”

l-l

Usually when in bad temper Sirius would stamp and brood and make sure everyone else was as miserable as him. This time was different. This felt too personal. Instead he slunk about like a fugitive, desperately seeking the bottom of a firewhisky bottle whenever he could be certain of not being disturbed.

He slid back into the dormitory one night, expecting the others to be asleep. Yet, halfway to his bed Sirius’ ears caught a pair of murmured voices.

A haze of alcohol distracted him and it wasn’t until he had slipped into bed and went to pull the hangings shut that he realised it was James and Remus. Both voices echoed from beyond the curtains shielding Remus’ bed.

A stone fell through Sirius’ chest, cracking open and pounding a flood of adrenaline into his blood. He lay on his side, wanting to listen while desperately trying not to – after all, they might be getting off together. That hideous knowledge hurt more than a whack to the stomach from the Whomping Willow.

The voices crept through the quiet room.

“... pretty upset about it still.”

“Well, he’s not the only one.”

Without a doubt, Sirius knew they were talking about him. Racing flames sparked beneath his skin, brightening until his entire body was burning with anger.

“Moony, why don’t you just _tell_ him?”

“And have him humiliate me even more?” Remus snapped.

As sudden as it had appeared Sirius’ aggression simmered out, replaced by a prickling spike of pain. He was no longer trying not to listen.  Remus had no reason to feel humiliated – it was Sirius who had, typically, fucked everything up. At least it provided some explanation for the severity of Remus’ avoidance.

“I really don’t think that’s going to happen, Remus,” James said, sounding almost bored. Evidently this was not a new subject. “Why couldn’t you lot have sorted this out properly before hand?”

“James...” Remus sounded strained. Sirius could picture the tired hand scraping across his frowning face. It hurt him to know he was the cause of Remus’ distress.

There was a long silence. Hand curled in his bed sheets, Sirius listened for the telltale rustle of clothing, sounds of movement, smothered moans ... there was nothing. Of course – they would have thrown up a silencing charm. Terrible sorrow thudded so heavily through Sirius that he thought he might actually fall through his mattress and into the floor.

He felt rather like crying. His chest _ached_ – this must be what heartbreak felt like.

The thought scattered through Sirius like a thunderclap, a light bulb moment of realisation. He sank panicked teeth into his pillow, biting hard to stop himself loosing an embarrassing whine.

It couldn’t be – he would have known. He would have realised before ... especially once he’d seen Remus with James.

And horribly, Sirius understood that he _had_ felt it; just without recognising the emotion. He’d been too concentrated on the jealousy and the misplaced anger, wrapped together with the trauma of leaving home.

This was worse, so much worse.

Sirius could not fix this – and after the way he had treated Remus, he felt entirely undeserving of having tender feelings for Remus. More than that – it was bound to eradicate any chance of repairing their friendship.

If there was any small part of Remus that didn’t already hate him, admitting _this_ would make certain that fragment was lost as well. He was going to have to admit that the friendship between him and Remus was over.

Humiliation burned bright and nasty behind Sirius’ eyes and he ground his teeth into the pillow, willing his treacherous throat to be silent. He would not cry. He did not _deserve_ that indulgence.

A sudden noise in the next bed caught Sirius’ ears and he stilled, listening.

Remus’ quiet voice: “You okay with stopping, Prongs?”

James’ chuckle was sweetly affectionate. “Yes, Moony, you dunderhead. You know you don’t owe me anything here, right?”

“Well ... all the same. I wouldn’t want to put you out.” Remus’ soft protest was drowned under a sudden wave of raucous laughter. “Prongs, shut it – you’ll wake Pete!”

“Eh, Wormtail would sleep through a barrage of Filibuster’s.”

Remus laughed as well then in an odd tone he murmured, “Good thing Padfoot’s not back yet. I’ve never known such a light sleeper.”

James sounded unusually sober when he next spoke. “You really gonna let it go like this, Moony?”

“Prongs, drop it,” Remus sighed, voice leaden. “It’s still just so weird. I ... I can’t even look at him, Prongs, because I just keep remembering ... and it’s painful.”

“I really think you should just fucking talk to himb about it,” James asserted.

“Oh, you should have mentioned that sooner,” Remus said mildly. “It would have saved weeks of melodrama. Don’t keep these marvellous ideas to yourself in future, will you mate?”

James laughed again, a more mellow sound. “Alright, Moony you win. Enjoy your angst, I’m going to bed.”

“G’night Prongs,” Remus said, simple affection lacing his words. The sound of a light kiss and then heavy movement as James slid from the bed and thumped softly across room. Sirius listened to him slide under his covers, waiting for the sound of Remus doing the same. But there was only silence.

He lay for a long time, listening the white-noise pound of his bruised heart.

l-l

To avoid facing up to his emotions Sirius began to withdraw more. The firewhisky flowed a little freer, his mood became increasingly surly. He refused to think about his feelings towards Remus and became so avoidant that he only saw the others during classes.

But the full moon was approaching again – which presented a new and serious issue for their flailing relationship.

Utterly oblivious to the close watch the other Marauders had been keeping on him, Sirius started violently when James appeared smooth and sudden at his side a couple of nights before the full moon. “Hey.”

Sirius propped a haughty, indifferent expression on his features, trying to cover his surprised annoyance. His attempt at nonchalance failed miserably. “Hey mate. You alright then?”

James shifted close to him, looking disconcertingly intimidating. “Are _you_ alright?”

Sirius knew that his methods for dealing with bad moods were not remotely subversive; still, he chafed at the intrusion. “Totally fine, Prongs. Why?”

“Well for one thing, nobody says fine unless something is wrong. For another, you reek of booze mate. And for a third thing, you’ve been avoiding us like the plague for weeks. What’s going on?”

Sirius licked his lips and ducked his head to hide behind the swinging drape of his hair. There was no point lying to James, he’d see straight through it. Reluctantly, Sirius muttered, “I just can’t handle the way things are between me and Remus. It ... hurts.”

James squinted at him, dim light bouncing off his glasses. There was something uncomfortably penetrating about his hazel eyes. “Why is it suddenly different? What’s happened?”

Sirius glanced up through his fringe but before he could speak understanding softened the lines of James’ face. “Ah. So you’ve finally owned up to it, huh?”

Sirius ignored him.

Rubbing a frustrated hand through his hair, James spoke in a dark snap. “Padfoot. Just tell Remus you’re in love with him and then this whole fucking palaver will be over.”

Clearly James had gone mad. “Reckon you’re the one that’s been drinking, Jimmy.”

“Oh don’t be soft,” James said irritably. “Go and talk to him. The lead up to full moon is bad enough without you and Moony being so ridiculous. And we shouldn’t take all that angry into the shack.”

“The shack...” Sirius said. He no longer had a right to be there, and Remus wouldn’t want him anyway. “No. I’m not going.”

James’ eyebrows vanished beneath his shaggy hair. “You what?”

“I’m not going. Remus certainly doesn’t need my bad mood. You’ll be better off without me there to disrupt things.”

James watched him, face utterly expressionless. After a minute he said in an equally bland voice, “Okay Pads. Whatever you want. Try to lay off the grog while you’ve still got a couple of brain cells left, yeah? See you later.”

 l-l

Sirius stared at the unopened bottle in his hands. He didn’t really want to drink. He wanted to sleep, but that had been a struggle lately. So he simply sat and stared, brain numb, mind blank.

Footsteps tapped dimly across the floor. Sirius ignored them; they stopped beside his bed. “Padfoot?”

He jumped so hard Sirius was sure his skin separated from the rest of him. That was Remus. Remus was initiating verbal contact with him. That had not happened since the week he’d arrived at the Potter’s.

Sucking in an uncertain breath, Sirius put the bottle aside and pulled the curtains a bare inch apart. “Remus?”

“Uhm, yeah. You, uh, got a minute? To talk?”

Sirius was torn between a horrified need to run away and a desperate urge to fling himself on Remus and soak up all the perfect warmth he’d been missing. He tried to sound calm. “Sure.”

Tugging one of the curtains back, Sirius surprised Remus tentatively reaching for the other. “Uhm. Sorry.”

“No it’s fine,” Sirius mumbled. There was a protracted moment of very awkward silence. “Er ... d’you wanna sit down or..?”

“Thanks, yeah.” Remus perched stiffly on the edge of the bed, looking every bit as nervous as Sirius felt.

“James says you don’t want to join at full moon.” Remus’ voice was so distant he sounded as though he was talking to someone else.

Sirius stared at his back, the tight line of his neck. He muttered, “I didn’t think you’d want me.”

Remus sighed, his chin dropping into his chest. “Yeah, I can get why you would think that. But I _do_ want you Sirius. I hate how things are between us.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said vehemently, surprising them both.

Remus twisted slightly, looking at him. “I believe you,” he said softly.

Something was happening, some level of tension that was subtly different. Sirius was determined to ignore it. He also ignored the fact that that denial was largely what had created their messy situation to begin with.

“You’re an exception,” he grumbled. “A special case.”

Remus gazed at him. “Sirius I don’t want to go on like this. It’s horrible.”

“I _know_ , I fucked up! What do we do, how can I fix this?”

Remus swallowed. “Tell me why?”

“Why? Why what?”

Remus’ amber eyes burned with startling candour. “Why did you want to fuck me?”

Sirius recoiled, completely taken aback. For a moment he forgot how to breathe and simply stared at Remus.

“Because,” Sirius’ voice cracked pitifully. He tried clearing his throat again, but it didn’t help much. “Because ... I was jealous.”

An impatient edge entered Remus’ voice. “Yes, yes I got that part at the time. What I’m asking is why it drove you to that? I cannot imagine that level of reaction is overly common.”

A tiny flicker of irritation drilled through Sirius’ reserve. “Anything I say is just going to make this worse, Remus. Did you actually have a reason for coming to speak to me?”

“ _Yes_. I’m asking you to tell me why you thought us having sex was a good idea.”

“Why does it have to be any different to what you do with James?” Sirius said, a scrap of panic slipping down his spine. Remus knew – he could hear it in his voice. James must have said something.

Remus answered him with commendable calm. “Because ... at least for me ... it means something more. James and I, we can fool around because we’re friends and that’s the end of it. It was never going to be that with you. As I tried to tell you at the time.”

“Then why did you say yes?” Sirius demanded, increasingly defensive.

The tremble in Remus’ hand as he slid it across his face gave away how difficult the conversation was for him as well. “Because I _wanted_ to, Padfoot. I wanted to for a long fucking time. But gods did it hurt.”

Sirius’ jaw dropped in alarm. “Moony, I ... I’m sorry, I know it was rushed but I never intended-”

“Not physically you fucking knob. Surely you... Pads, I feel something for you, which guaranteed it would hurt.”

An overwhelming rush of warm hope rose in Sirius. Slowly, he reached out and rested his fingertips between Remus’ shoulders, absorbing his slight recoil. “Why did you send me away, then? Why have you been avoiding me?”

“Self-preservation.”

“And it’s suddenly different now?” Sirius risked a tentative stroke across Remus’ back, sucking in a shaky breath when he shivered.

Remus’ eyes were tortured. “I can’t have you not with me at the full moon, Pads. You ... don’t know how much better it is to have you there.” He swallowed. “And if I have to humiliate myself and beg you, if I have to endure more hideous awkwardness to indulge this selfishness then I will.”

“You don’t have to beg, Remus.” Sirius said quietly. His heart twisted with a pain so acute it rattled in his exhale. “I just ... I thought I’d made you hate me.”

Remus watched him closely. When he spoke again it was in a remarkably steady tone. “No. No, quite the opposite.”

“Fucking hell, Moony... I ... for real?”

“Mhm.”

Sirius tried to process Remus’ admission, but it just didn’t seem to want to sink in and become fact. It was such an unexpected revelation that he simply didn’t know what to do with it. “What ... what happens now then?”

The expressions gracing Remus’ face were too complex for Sirius to fully understand, but they shook him to the core all the same. Remus shifted closer. “We could do it properly.”

Sirius spluttered. “What?”

Remus’ confidence waivered a little. “I mean, if you want to. But I want to be clear ... it can’t be casual. I’m talking about you and me. Being ... something. Something with feelings involved.  If that’s what you want.”

Sirius surged forwards, sliding his arms around Remus and crushing him into a frantic hug. “Yes, Moony. Merlin’s beard yes, that’s what I want.”

Remus kissed him. It was nothing like the frenzied, angry kiss Sirius had given Remus over the summer but it burned with an equal passion; gentle but needy, giving everything and forcibly taking everything Sirius had in return.

Sirius had never known a kiss like it. He clung to Remus and let it absorb him.

He barely noticed when Remus started plucking at his buttons, pulling his shirt slowly back from his shoulders. He gasped, head tipping back.

Remus’ mouth moved across his jaw, stubble scratching against Sirius’ cheek, lips brushing his ear lobe. “Yes?” Remus mumbled a soft, dark question.

Dismissing the embarrassing neediness that coloured his voice, Sirius said, “Fuck yes.”

Deft fingers dropped without preamble to his trousers, fumbling belt and flies open as Remus’ sucked a path down his throat, a gentle scrape of teeth catching his clavicle.

A hand wriggled into his boxer shorts and Sirius cried aloud. Remus’ every movement was precise control, frustratingly slow touches firmly stroking Sirius’ cock to full, aching hardness.

Remus’ mouth tracked hot, clumsy kisses across Sirius’ chest, his curls brushing a sweet tingle against his skin. Wrapping his hands in Remus’ hair, Sirius tugged him upwards, pulling him into a proper kiss – deep and long and fully intent on expressing each urgent emotion he was feeling. Remus rolled against him, his hand on Sirius’ cock giving unexpectedly sharp tug. He snapped back, head dropping against the pillows. “Oh fuck...”

“If you want to,” Remus rasped.

“Yes I fucking want to,” Sirius babbled. Remus felt too good draped across him, touching him with sure, skilled movements.

There was no hesitation or uncertainty in Remus this time – he was in total control and it was _amazing_. Sirius murmured appreciation and was rewarded with a smile curving against his skin. Remus slid down the bed, fingers tucking neatly inside Sirius’ waistband. “Off,” he murmured. Sirius arched eagerly off the bed and let Remus unclothe him.

Once naked, he sat up and leaned against Remus again. “You too,” Sirius pleaded. “I want to fucking touch you.”

Remus quaked but grinned. “Well, we should both get something out of this I suppose,” he said fairly. Together they fumbled Remus out of his clothes and pressed together skin to glorious skin.

Hands sweeping over Remus’ body, Sirius urged him back against the mattress. His fingers brushed over Remus’ hip, tracking blindly towards his cock – but suddenly Remus’ foot pressed into his hip and gave him a playful shove backwards. “Who said you could do that?” Remus asked, blinking up at him innocently.

Sirius grinned, pleasantly startled. “Well if you don’t want me to...”

Groaning, Remus trailed his fingers across Sirius’ skin. “I ... fuck, Sirius I don’t want to rush this but I really don’t want to wait either.”

“Then let’s not,” Sirius breathed. He felt much the same way himself.

Remus laughed, sitting up and raking his eyes over Sirius’ body in a starving sweep; gleaming, bright yellow amber. Sirius had never seen Remus look quite like this. It made him so _hard_ it actually _hurt_.

Remus’ fingers teased a lightly down Sirius’ side and he laughed, squirming against the unexpected tickle. Remus grinned as Sirius slapped his hands away. He reached out to Remus in turn, and his fingers caught the edge of a scar. Too late he realised Remus might be shy of them ... but when Sirius glanced up he only smiled softly.

Biting his lip, Sirius looped a hand around Remus neck and hauled him into a kiss, sweeter and slower than before. Remus followed his lead, sighing and shivering as Sirius blindly ran a fingertip along the jagged edge of an old wound.

They tangled together as burning need grew rapidly between them. Sirius scratched his nails gently across the small of Remus’ back; he jerked back with a shivery gasp before abruptly shoving Sirius onto his back and stretching possessively above him.

Sirius was having trouble catching his breath. Remus’ face burrowed against his neck, puffing deliciously unsteady heat into his hair. “Can I..?”

“Oh Godric, _yes_ ,” Sirius groaned, rolling his hips up, grinding against Remus. Their erections rubbed briefly together. Sirius whined.

Remus didn’t sound much better himself. Snatching a pillow from beneath Sirius’ head, he pressed an encouraging hand into his hip. Sirius obligingly bridged, settling comfortably as Remus shifted between his legs.

A smooth palm curved around Sirius’ hip, pressing along his thigh. Remus’ slowness appeared to be natural; his eyes blazed with desperate need and a white flame of lust licked through Sirius’ belly as he wondered what Remus _actually_ taking his time would be like.

Remus’ hand squeezed Sirius’ arse before shifting lower. He muttered a quick spell; Sirius was filled with warm slickness. He ground himself towards Remus’ hovering fingertips, desperate for touch.

Remus laughed softly. “Cut it out,” he teased. “I’m going as fast as I can.”

“You are _not_ ,” Sirius retorted. “Fucking fuck me already.”

Arching a mocking eyebrow, Remus leaned close and kissed him with surprising tenderness. His mouth slid sideways to Sirius’ jaw, nipping him lightly, sparking hot electricity through his bloodstream. “Okay.”

With well-practised ease, Remus circled his fingers against sensitive muscle, gradually sliding first one and then a second finger into Sirius, alternately chuckling at Sirius’ futile attempts to speed him up or ignoring him completely.

“ _Remus..!_ ”

“Something wrong, Sirius?” Remus mumbled, sounding distracted. The teasing note in his voice gave him away.

“Yes! Get on with it.”

“Hm, anyone would think that you want me to fuck you...”

“I swear to Merlin’s grey memory, Moony if you don’t put your cock inside me now...”

Remus’ fingers bit into his skin, his breath catching as his mischievous control finally broke. “Okay.” His voice cracked.

Even entering him Remus was slow and careful; Sirius could feel how much the effort cost him. He brushed his hands over every part of Remus he could reach, revealing tightly corded muscles. Remus stared at Sirius as he edged into him, breathing dangerously uneven.

Sirius moaned, pressing with relish into Remus’ slow movements. Remus moved in and out of him a few times, until he was sure Sirius was properly relaxed.

“Merlin, Moony _fuck me_ ,” Sirius cried, grasping Remus’ hips and tugging him forwards. finally Remus folded their bodies together and thrust sharp and earnest, gauging Sirius’ reactions. Holding his weight on one elbow, Remus fumbled between them and wrapped his hand around Sirius’ cock, stroking him in time with each thrust.

“ _Yes..._ ” Sirius groaned, curling his own hand around Remus’. He pressed into the bed, moving instinctively. He wanted to make it last, but was already too close – the need had simply been building for too long.

Remus nudged Sirius with one thigh, adjusting their angle slightly. Sirius yelped with startled delight as Remus’ cock slid against his prostate. He keened.

Remus _whimpered_.

The sound boiled through his blood. “ _Ahh_ , fuck, _Moony_...”

Remus drove into him, faster, _harder_. His eyes flicked open and caught Sirius’. With a ragged breath, Remus tightened his grip on Sirius’ cock and stared at him, whispering, “Come...”

And Sirius did. A few more frantic pumps sent him spiralling into a fragmented rainbow of hazy delight, orgasm pulling him apart and re-piecing him haphazardly. He sank into the mattress, dopily gripping Remus’ arse. He reared up as best he could and sucked a bruising kiss low on Remus’ neck.

It was enough. Remus grabbed him tight, face falling into the curve of Sirius’ neck. He shuddered and with a low, aching sound, yawped his release into Sirius’ hair.

They lay heavy together for a long minute, breathing one another in. Then Remus carefully drew away, his soft sigh warm against Sirius’ throat.

Sirius cast the cleansing charm over them both before dropping back and dragging Remus against him. “Oh dear Godric...”

“You’re telling me,” Remus mumbled in reply, his hand sliding across Sirius’ chest. “I’m sorry it was so hurried.”

Sirius’ laugh sparkled bright. “That was the _slowest_ hurried I have ever known. And it was _fantastic_ , Moony.” A moment’s pause, then Sirius mumbled, “I am sorry about last time.”

Remus stiffened a fraction. “So am I,” he said at length. “Can we just ... try to put all of that aside? At least for now. If we need to go over it surely it won’t matter if we leave it another night.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, twirling his fingers in a random pattern across Remus’ back. This was wonderful, wrapped in Remus’ arms, warm and cosy. A long, comfortable silence dragged between them, sleepy and sated. Then an uncomfortable thought swam sudden into Sirius’ dozy brain. “Uhm, Moony?”

Remus gave him a drowsy grunt, twisting a lock of Sirius’ hair idly around lazy fingers.

“Is this going to make things weird with Prongs? Like ... because you and he were...”

Sirius caught the slight edge of exasperation in Remus’ sigh. “Prongs will be happy for us, Padfoot. He’s been nagging me to admit my feelings for months.”

An entirely different type of glow coursed warm through Sirius’ veins. “Really?”

“Yes,” Remus mumbled. “D’you mind awfully if we don’t talk about James while we’re in bed together?”

A tiny smile twisted the edges of Sirius’ mouth. “’Course Moony.” Another pause, then Sirius decided it _needed_ to be said. “Hey, Moony?”

“For the love of god, Sirius, what now?” Remus grumbled, snuggling against his chest.

“I just ... Moony, I uh... I.”

On a sleepy exhale, Remus murmured, “Me too, Padfoot.” Sirius had never heard such a delightfully tender voice directed at him before.

For a few moments Sirius stared at Remus, so near to him, so soft in sleepiness. Remus looked happy and Sirius marvelled – he had done that. A wonderful feeling of contentment filtered through him as he breathed in the fresh scent of Remus’ hair.

As slumber began to creep over him, Sirius wondered vaguely why Remus loved him. But he didn’t need to wonder why he loved Remus.


End file.
